Tuesday, January 11, 2011


All this snow recently has reminded me of past problems I've had with snow. Especially last year when the snow was really deep.

Don’t get me wrong… I usually love snow. And deep snow is kind of fun to jump in and out of. And it's certainly better now that Daddy has fenced in the backyard. But there are some real practical problems deep snow causes me.

First, I can’t get to the woods to run because Not-the-Daddy and Daddy can’t even get into the parking lot there. It hasn’t been plowed yet. So we have to take long walks, most of the time with me on leash, since we live in town and there are cars going by. I worry for the health of my anal sacs…

Secondly, the snow is taller than me. Now, you might wonder what difference this would make, but let me ask you something… have you ever tried taking a crap on a toilet that was higher than your butt? It would freak you out. Imagine poor me. Normally, I squat, curve my back and poop. My butt is about 8 inches off the ground, so I start to push and gravity does the rest. End of story. These days, though, gravity has taken a vacation because it can’t do its job. My butt is freezing because it’s in contact with the snow, and when I start to push I get this uneasy feeling that I’m sitting in my own shit.

Peeing is no bargain either. The only spaces available are cleared sidewalks, so as you squat and let it rip, it forms a puddle around your feet that you’re now standing in the middle of. Then, to add insult to injury, if you’re emptying a full, overnight bladder, it starts to freeze around your toes as you squat there trying to get all out.

Last year I lodged a protest. When I pooped, I made sure it formed letters. I started a message, which took a couple of weeks to finish. Unfortunately, I could only form one letter at a time, so it was a rather lengthy process.

I thought I could save time by forming Oriental glyphs that were conceptual in nature. I first formed the Japanese letter for ‘my butt is freezing, so please shovel off some space in the yard for me,’ but Daddy misread it. He excitedly went to Not-the-Daddy and said, “Oh, honey! Ellie crapped the Japanese letter for ‘wisdom’… isn’t that amazing?” So I had to go back to one letter at a time.

The humility of it all… I sure hope it doesn't snow that much again this year!

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